Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Waking Up

It tickled, but at the same time it hurt. Now that I think about it, tickles normally do hurt if they last too long. Cold is the same. It is born as a tiny shiver, harmless, but grows into an incessant spasming.

For a moment I felt as though the cold had also taken away my vision, blackening everything before me. I was wrong. I pulled the long strands of brown hair that veiled my eyes and tucked them carefully behind my ears. I rested my hands there for a while, trying to secure the hair into place. I knew it would not work.

Brimming of irritation I quickened my saunter into a scurry.

Finally I was home.

"Hu-lllll-ooo?" I hollered at the walls, echoes replied. They were louder than usual, but only echoes of course. I lived alone. Which would not be a big deal to the average person, but for one like me, it was. I had myself alienated from the rest of the world.

There had been a time where I chattered like someone more normal, but in the past few months I had become so insular. I liked it this way. Or did I?

I cared too much, about them, about him. And the moment I lost him, I lost my world. I didn't want for that to happen again. So I stopped speaking to everyone that I once had contact with. I created a tiny, lonesome world for myself wherein nobody could hurt me.

I extricated the curtains from the closeness they shared. Light poured into the room, moonlight. I've always found the brightness of the moon to be much different from that of the sun. The moon's light has always felt more meaningful. The slight bit of hope amidst sheer darkness. Regardless of the time of the year, that hope would stay glimmering in the sky. Sometimes hidden, but always there.

As I gazed into the night sky, I lost myself in a quagmire of my thoughts. My life was like that night sky, deprived of light. All I needed was a moon to light my dark world up. If I could merely see  past the dark, I would feel at peace. Just a single spark of light would be plentiful.

The night was obedient and took my request as its command. A spark of light came.  A shooting star bedazzled past my eyes. The light valiantly ran across the sky, till it disappeared. I felt disheartened for a moment, it was gone. But soon I realized that it meant a wish. My eyes caught hold of a shooting star. A wish was mine to take, and I needed it.

I want something different, I want change. I don't want to be like this anymore. I opened my eyes. The wish had been made...

I blinked my eyes, my hands trembled. I waited with patience, momentarily. I waited for a *poof* that would conjure from the mid-air to sprinkle happiness upon me. I tapped my fingers, then my feet. But nothing happened. There I stood, my hope was lost, as was the shooting star.

Feeling hopeless, I wilted into the darkness of the night. Maybe where I was supposed to be.


"Amélie!! Bonjour!" he threw himself onto me. I had absolutely no idea who he was. From the looks of it, he must have been near 10 years old. His deep blue eyes complimented his light, pale blond hair beautifully. He was less of a child, and more of an angel, well in appearance at least. The behaviour, not so much.

"Qui est tu?" I questioned, asking him for his name. A shock spread across his face.

"Ton frére" he replied. I was utterly flummoxed, he told me that he was my brother? Kids can be quite odd, can't they? But I was further flummoxed when I realized that I had questioned him in French, a language I had never learnt or knew.

"Amélie! Amélie! Amélie!" the annoying blond french boy incessantly chanted. He continued to yap away in French. He told me about his weekend with his nominal 5 year old girlfriend. I snickered.

But I began to look around, more confused than ever. Where is this woman, Amélie, that this kid is looking for? And why is this kid calling himself my brother. As far as I can remember, I had no siblings. I had nobody.

As the blond angel continued speaking to me, expecting no reply, I stared into the distance. The walls that surrounded us were a dusty white. Engraved on the edges where Victorian styled carvings. Where was I anyways?

My mind was alerted hearing the television in the near distance. Why was the news in French? Je ne sais pas.. Wait, why did I respond so naturally in French like that? I didn't even know French!

I ruminated, very deeply. More thoroughly than I ever had. Okay so, french kid, classy house, the smell of fresh brewing coffee, and french news. It wasn`t at all difficult to piece together. I was in France.

Somehow I had managed to fall asleep in the city of San Francisco, and find myself awake in France. That defied my logic.  Impossible, simply impossible. But wait, there was one way it could be possible. It had to be a dream. I needed to wake up.

I jammed my finger into the side of my cheek a few times, paining myself. Ouch. Wait, what's the rush? Might as well enjoy my vacation in France as a dream, as I won`t be going there anytime soon.

"Au revoir!" I screamed in the boy`s face, he was startled as I left through the front door of the house.

I sauntered through the tiny streets of France. I took in a revitalizing breath of air, and strolled around the city. Of course I wasn't able to find anybody I knew. But I reassured myself that all of these people were merely remnants of my memory. Afterall, it was a dream.

"Amélie!" a voice beckoned.

Out of all the French names my mind could have chosen, it decided to choose Amélie. In this dream, my name was not Skye, my real name, but it was Amélie. I never knew that our names could change according to our dreams.

An arm elongated out of the man's coat as he pulled me towards himself. I slapped myself again thinking it would be a good time to wake up. I didn't wake up.

His touch was warm and close, but not intruding. I felt very comfortable with his arms around me.

"Merci, Pére" I whispered. Wait, did I actually say that, did I really call him dad? The strange man was my father. This dream was beginning to seem unreal. Perhaps it was not  a dream at all. I remembered the wish I had made last night. I want something different, I want change. I don`t want to be like this anymore. Well I surely wasn't like myself anymore. I was an entirely different person. Amélie, if I may say so.

I felt worried for a while. How do I get back to my comfy home in SanFran? Hello Shooting star, come back! But soon I realized, it wasn`t all that bad. Maybe I would be able to acclimatize myself to France, to my blond little brother and my old, jolly father, to a new life.

"Bon soir!"  Pére said to me. I pulled my blankets over myself content-fully. After a long time, I felt the feeling of being lulled to sleep.


I stretched my arms into the air as I awoke. I felt well rested and full of energy. I was ready to amble through the streets of France. Maybe today I`d visit the Eiffel Tower, or simply sit in a coffee shop and read a book. That would be bliss.

"Didiii!!!" a voice called out for me. Jacque sounded different today, a little more effeminate than usual. He was a little blond boy, so of course his voice wouldn't have the masculinity of a full grown man, however, this voice was much too high-pitched to be his. And Didi? That isn't even French!

"Radhika! Mere liye chai bana!" she demanded. She wore a light pink blouse with a pair of jeans. Her hair was folded into a simple braid, and adorned with a red flower.

"Mai kyu? Tu bana.." I refused to make her the tea she asked for, how lazy she was.. whoever she was.

"Poojaaaaa!" another voice called out for the girl in pink. It was her mom, seemingly mine too. Mom scuttled around the house, her footsteps playing a rhythm of some sort.

"Radhika, Pooja, mai ja rahi hu! Apna khayal rakhna!" Mom hollered across the room as she stepped outside the door. I mustered the strength to pull myself out of bed.

I was a tiny bit flummoxed, but not nearly as much as yesterday. I started to develop an idea on what might be happening. This wish had a recurring effect. It seemed to happen whenever I woke up, everything would  change. Yesterday I awoke to a new world, a new life. Today I did too.

My French Family, although only temporal, seemed affable, as did my Indian family who resided in Mumbai. But I wouldn't be able to take such pressure. I could not wake up in a new life everyday, this wasn't the change I was looking for.

How could I end this cycle? I had to stop sleeping if I wanted to stay here, otherwise I'd be somewhere else.

The sun began to set in the humid air of Mumbai. It was much different than France, and San Francisco. The streets were always crowded, I wasn`t used to being lost between so many people. Unlike France, Mumbai was also very loud and vibrant. Which would do some help in keeping me awake.

At 3 AM, my head started to pound. I felt like something was drilling its way into my mind and torturing me. So I stepped out of mine and Pooja's room and went into the living room. I flicked on the T.V.

Sa Re Ga Ma Pa was playing. However it was a repeat show, I already knew who had won.

Footsteps crept my way.

"Radhika!" mom yelled angrily.

"Haan...?" I whimpered

"So ja! Abhi, issi waqt!" I was pointed back into the room. How would I keep myself awake now? I began singing songs.

Tu jeet meri, jag haar meri. Mai hoon hi nahi iss duniya kii .. I laughed at myself. I really wasn't from this world. But there was no way back.


"Oh no!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I ran short of breath. I fell asleep. No this couldn't have happened. I tried so hard to stay awake! I must have fallen asleep in the last few minutes. Can this be reversed in anyway. Are wishes reversible?

I sighed in concern. This time I had no idea where I was because I couldn`t see where I was.  It was pitch black, and utterly silent. I was beginning to think that I had died. This was the emptiness I would think is the end. But of course it was not.

I wanted to be myself again. I didn't want to be Amélie or Radhika, or anybody else. I just wanted to be Skye, myself.  I didn't want to change anymore.

I wondered where I was this time. Everything was still dark and silent. The only sound I could hear was that of my own breath.

The darkness swallowed me again. I felt the same way I did two nights ago as I gazed at the night-sky. My life once again felt like the dark sky needing just a small flash of light to brighten it up forever. Where was that light?

The darkness was obedient and took my request as its command. A spark of light came. A shooting star bedazzled past my eyes. A wish for me to take, again. Could I reverse what I had once wished for?

The shooting star faded away. I made no wish.


I woke up the next morning feeling restless, but I managed to carry my body out of my room. I pulled open the curtains once again. The morning peace of San Francisco was abundantly shining into my eyes.

I was home, happier than I had been a long time. But I set off, I needed to make the change that I tried to wish for. I didn't want to be trapped in my tiny, lonesome world, I needed to become vulnerable once again, and escape. I awoke from my solitude.

The Fabulist

     Beautiful, I thought to myself as I scurried alongside the road, while walking to work. The day was gorgeous, the sun so revitalizing, so refreshing. It had been raining recently, but today the rain seemed to have disappeared somewhere behind the prevailing shine of the sun. I looked down at my scuttling feet occasionally, noticing the pattern in which they fell down and pounded the floor, the steady rhythm meshing with the beat of my heart created a catchy beat.

"Good morning Cassie!" I smiled as I enunciated my affable neighbour's name aloud, greeting her with an exuberant smile.

"Audrey, good morning, heading to work?" she asked in her sweet, feminine voice, already expecting a yes in return.

"Yes, as usual" I walked away from her leaving her with a smile again.I kept my eyes on Cassie, as she gently pampered her flowers. The sight was so soothing, which made me think the day was so happy already, I couldn't stifle the smile on my face. After adoring the sounds of nature for quite some time, I finally rummaged through my bag to pull out my music. I swayed myself slightly, back, and then forth as I continued striding on the paved sidewalk.

The glass door of the office looked fairly shiny, as if someone had recently cleaned it. I placed my fingers carefully on the knob hoping not to leave any fingerprints behind. As I flung myself inwards, I was greeted by some co-workers.

"Hey Audrey!"

"Good morning, how are you?" I replied

"Fine, always a pleasure to see you in the morning Audrey" I chuckled aloud to myself feeling so proud to make someone else happy, it somehow made me uncontrollably happy. As I pranced down the corridor of the office, I had tiny conversations with everyone I passed by.


With the movement of my right hand, I flicked on the light switch while stepping into my apartment. I lived there alone, but never felt the feeling of loneliness. I'm lucky. I placed my keys at the small desk near the front door and flung the door shut behind me. Immediately, I hurried towards the living room where I sank into the glory of my sofa.

The TV turned on, and the silence succumbed to the voices flowing out from it. I flipped continuously through the channels, hoping to find something that I would like. I stopped occasionally at a few news channels in curiosity of what was happening in the world, but after enduring through a few moments of boredom I continued surfing between the television channels.

I then heard an odd sound, it was hard to describe, but not unrecognizable. I looked around attentively making sure nothing had gone awry. But it was only after I had lost all fear that I noticed a white paper laying mysteriously on the ground by the floor.

"You are living a lie" I read aloud to myself. I felt shocked, and furthermore entirely flummoxed. Who would push such a letter through the cracks of my apartment door. Within a few seconds, I flung the door open and examined each end of the hall. Who`s there I thought quietly to myself. I phoned my neighbour Cassie right away asking her if she had heard anybody near by or if she had come by my room herself, she replied with a no.

You are living a lie,I spoke out loud to myself a few times.... I ruminated deeply on the possible people who would do this, but I could think of no names.

Feeling defeated, I fell into the arms of my soft bed, and closed my eyes.


I woke up the next morning feeling restless, but I got myself prepared and walked again to work. I smiled half-heartedly to Cassie as I slid by her, she didn't seem to notice any change in my behaviour or mood. It was somewhat satisfying knowing that, perhaps the letter slid under my door yesterday was put at the wrong door by accident or maybe it was all a joke to pester me. Whatever it was, I wanted to move away from it, and be myself again. So I did.

I walked blissfully into the office like any other morning, speaking to those who collided into me. After the long walk I sank into the rolling office chair. I sighed in relief that everything was fine so far and that indeed, it was a joke only. My eyes circled around the desk, looking at the pile of work I was intending to start. While doing so, my eyes caught another white squared piece of paper. "Don`t deny it, you`re living a lie." I gasped aloud to myself, noticing a few heads turning to my direction, questioning if everything was alright. I quickly replied with a yes, only proving the words of the message to be true. Everything was not alright, something was surely wrong.

I skipped over towards the boss's room, telling him I didn't feel too well and asking whether or not I could stay at home for the day. He was a kind guy, and his answer was very expected.  I quickly picked up all of my belongings from the table and clustered them into the depth of my black bag. I smiled at everyone and headed for the door.

I was home, and I began to think deeply. If this letter was true, in what way would it be? How could I be living a lie? Was my entire life a lie? I began to rethink about my family, were they my real family or was I adopted or lied to in some way or another?


The morning was bright, but not bright enough, I wished that it would rain, and that all of these thoughts would just wash away. I felt guilty asking for another day off from work, but my boss didn't seem to ask me why I was taking time off, he knew I worked hard and I wouldn't unnecessarily do this.

I waited in a clean, cubical room. The results of the DNA test would be here shortly, I felt like laughing at myself for doing this, for suspecting my parents` honesty because of a couple of letters, but it was too late to change that decision.

"Audrey Thompson?" the doctor met his eyes with mine and nodded, affirming that I was the right person. "Your report is here" he handed it over to me reminding me I was most welcome to ask him any additional questions, but I nodded no.

I looked carefully through the pages, and discovered nothing out of the normal. Everything seemed to be fine. I smiled once again, and sighed in relief. There is nothing else that could be a lie in my life I thought, my family is my family, my job is my job, there is nothing amiss here.

So feeling abashed I headed back into my car to once again fade away into the night. How silly I was, I thought.


For the next few days I went back to being myself, I laughed, I smiled, I spoke with everyone. Life seemed to be perfect again. Until I came across another note placed on the steering wheel of my car. How did someone even get into my car? I thought at first.... "Are you really happy?" This time I was baffled by the words on the white squared paper... I didn't want to think about it, but it was inevitable.

As I laid under the soft blankets of my bed I thought to myself over and over again. Am I happy? My colleagues always told me I looked happy, my friends thought I was happy, my neighbours that I was happy...but was I? Was my life really a lie?

I never allowed myself to feel the loneliness of the big city, instead I adored the freedom and the unrestricted movement of it all, but was that enough? I kept asking myself whether I was living a lie or not.


The next morning I walked slowly as I headed to work, I couldn't stand another day at home, the boredom fed my mind with the room to think about all of this. I looked up at the birds flying through the skies, chirping loudly, for the first time, I listened carefully to what they sang.

"Hey Audrey, how are you?" Cassie approached me.

"I`m gr-e-a-a-t....." I replied with a reluctance in my voice... I mumbled a few words to myself, and while doing so I noticed a confusion form across Cassie's face.

This wasn't right. I could lie to everyone else, I could look happy, I could tell them I was not alone, but I could no longer lie to myself. I needed someone, and this facade needed to end. My lips unlocked from each other and opened to let out a few more words...

"Cassie, ummm, I don`t know w-haat to say bb-ut" she cut my words off as she embraced me.

"I know Audrey, I know..."

A Leaf

With a sorrowful glance I looked up towards the peak of the green-leaved trees. I remembered how I had jumped from branch to branch, and rested in the bowl-like branches during the terrifying nights. As I gawked at my distant home, a marred leaf traced its way to the ground, beside my feet. She looked tired and weary, suffering in defeat, just like me. I tried persistently to grasp the tree and slowly cradle myself to my home, but the mocking rain made my path impossible to climb. I fell to the ground, once again to accompany the cracked leaf laying hopelessly on the ground. We both exchanged glances, she didn't seem to speak a word, so peaceful and so quiet she was, not even a smile she gave me. But I felt her pain, she too wanted to be back on top of the trees. But unlike me, she was not stubborn, she tried to acclimatize herself to the mushy, muddled forest grounds.

For quite some time I laid silently beside her, repressing my rebellious nature, letting go of my old home and familiarizing myself with the new one. But I could never be as calm as she, my heart ached in memory of my friends who played in the air above me. With the heavy rains destroying the flowers near us, I noticed a tear down the leaf's rutted cheek. We were both sad, both alone. We could accompany each other, with even a bit of love, the solitude would succumb, but to me she would not speak. I had to make a decision, and if she didn't object, she would have to abide by it.

I picked her carefully, tucking her in the warmth of my hands. The air was cold and moist, but not cold enough to stop me. I wrapped my arms around the trunk of the forest tree, and with all my strength slowly began pulling myself up. The leaf whimpered every now and then, but I was unable to tell whether it was because of happiness or because she was uncomfortable in the protection of my hands. With each pull, I brought myself closer and closer to my home, and the leaf closer to hers. The rain fell slowly, but its slippery evil could not end my journey. Persistence is what the leaf had taught me while we rested peacefully on the ground, she did not speak, but her patience showed her satisfaction. She did not give up, and neither would I.

After the night began to enmesh itself into day, the light poured into the floors of the rain-forest  The invigorating sun roared at the sight of a monkey and a leaf on a journey of survival. After the night's struggle, and the morning's hope we had finally reached to the top of the tree, the place I called home. I smiled, I smiled so hard and looked down at the leaf in my hands. Still she showed no response at all, was she happy? 

I saw my smiling friend waiting to embrace me, but before doing so, I spoke to the leaf. She must have felt tired, so I placed her on a branch allowing her to stretch herself out. I stared quietly at her, but her eyes seemed to wander someplace else. I traced the path of her gaze, and noticed her looking down, there were many leaves covering the forest floor, the smothered soil unable to breathe. A sudden gust of wind came by, and with a whip lashed my dear friend, the leaf back to the ground. She fell so freely, so flawlessly. But now she was away from me, a monkey's lost friend. 

But I looked back at her, she laid in the heart of her family, still as peaceful as ever. With her silent gaze, she said so much to me. With all my persistence, I pulled us both up the incredibly tall tree. I thanked her telling her without her presence, without her encouragement, I couldn't have pulled us up. In denial, she glanced, saying so much more to me. She had never done anything, the strength that I needed was within me. I had the patience, the persistence, but not the love I needed. For the sake of the leaf, for the love of the leaf I brought us up, but for the love of myself I could not. 

Had only I believed in myself, had only I loved myself enough to muster all of my strength and begin a new journey. She reminded me that a new leaf fell down everyday, and that somehow after the bitter cold of the season, a new leaf  would grow everyday. I would surely miss my silent companion, one who spoke no words, but still spoke everything, but she assured me that next time I wouldn't be needing her, because next time I would have me.

Learning Love

         As I rummaged through my closet, my energy was slowly fading out. Should I wear the pink dress or the black one? I continually tried to picture what tonight's party might look like, it was Rachel's birthday, which definitely meant I had to dress well. Rachel was well known for her undeniably trendy sense of fashion, which meant I had to make an effort today. The pink is flattering, but I don't want to stand out in the crowd. I elongated my shivering arms into my closet and pulled out a simple black dress. I didn't want to wear anything bright that would unnecessarily steer people's eyes towards me.

 My eyes circled the room, capturing a photo of each corner of the room as I searched for my misplaced keys. No matter how much I tried, I somehow always managed to lose my keys. As my eyes flew past the mirror I took the opportunity to check how I looked. The tight black wrapped around my waist in a soft-motherly way.  I wasn't dressed to the best of my ability, but I was satisfied. Why am I looking at myself? Where are the keys?

"Kailee! Looking for something honey?" a sweet voice murmured. I took a look upwards and saw my restless mother waving my keys arbitrarily in the air, making a little jingle with each turn.

"Oh thank goodness! Thanks so much mom!" I quickly reached out for the keys, and scuttled around the room making sure I hadn't forgotten a thing.

"Bye mom!"

"Bye Kailee, have a good time!" I gave her a smile and took a step onto the rain-soaked pavement. My lonely car seemed to somehow brighten up against the setting sun.

After a few abrupt movements, I found my hands against the wheel of my car.

It had been quite a while since I had last spoken to Rachel, and now that I ponder upon our past conversations, I've never talked much with her. Rachel was the kind of girl who without a breath talked continually, not giving others a chance. But somehow we had nominally become friends.

The rain was whipping the glass of my car harder and harder by the second.

I pulled myself into the driveway and took a step out. Trying to protect my dress, I hurriedly skipped myself towards the door which was already open for me, a smiling face awaited me.

"Kailee!!! I'm so glad you could make it" Rachel pulled me into her arms, and embraced me so tightly that I felt out of breath.

"Aww, of course I'd come! Happy Birthday Rachel!" and with a few more words we made our way into the her well-decorated house.

The room was full of a countless number of faces, many looking familiar. But I couldn't seem to find any names to match these faces. I smiled to all those around me, hoping to conceal the fact that I had lost their names somewhere in the back of my mind.

I suddenly felt a hand grab my arm.

"Kailee! Come here!" Rachel squeaked.

"Yes, sure!" she pulled me towards one of her friends, Sam, I had originally met him before Rachel had, but never had the chance to familiarize myself with him.

"Hey Sam, nice to see you again" I forced my body in towards his, trying to act comfortable with him. I was looking forward to hearing him speak. His voice had something magical about it, I loved listening to him speak.

"Kailee, nice to see you too!" Rachel glided away greeting the guests still entering.

Hours had gone by, and I had not even realized, neither did Sam. We spoke for at least 5 hours about various topics, never encountering any form of awkwardness between us. When after what seemed like hours Rachel came back to us. A smile was stretched across her face, she was glad that Sam and I had met. I knew the party would soon end, but I had no interest to leave. He's so kind, I wish we could talk the rest of the night.

Rachel once again snatched my body into a secluded corner of  the crowded room.

"So what do you think of him? " she winked at me. I felt my cheeks brightening to a more vivid colour. Did I really make it that obvious? Now she sees that I'm interested in him?. But I took a breath in slowly, hoping to veil the redness of my cheeks.

"He's a great guy, seems really smart as well"

"I know right Kailee! I think he's adorable" all of a sudden all the exuberance in me abruptly faded out realizing she too had a bit of a crush on him.

The party came to a halt, and I swept myself out of the room, trying to pretend none of that had ever happened.


       The next morning I was awakened by the whistling notification on my phone, but I chose not to read the message, I wilted myself into the cave of my blanket. 

When I finally had the energy to lift myself from bed, I took a look at my phone, I was surprised!

"Morning Kailee!" It was Sam. Maybe it wasn't all over, a sudden hope was brimming in my heart.

After a bit of a conversation through text messaging we decided to meet up at a nearby coffee shop. 

      I put myself together, and stepped out of the door. I love this pink dress on me, it's so flattering. I waited patiently at a corner table in the Starbucks while I occasionally took a short, hot sip of my mocha. Finally. I saw him foolishly stumble into the room looking around for me, I abruptly stood up.

"Over here Sam!" his eyes sparkled with some sort of satisfaction, but I wondered if he was happy in the same way I was.

"Kailee, I have so much to tell you" he said in his comforting voice. 


"Firstly you look lovely today...." He took a pause, as if trying to accumulate some air for a longer sentence to come. "Rachel... I think I'm beginning to fall for her... but um. do you think she'll like me back?" my jaw dropped, and I noticed his facial expression change as well.

"You seem in denial, your jaw dropping is certainly not a good sign" he whispered in remorse.

"No, no Sam, there's nothing like that. I was just in shock" I then assured him that only if he expresses his feelings to her he would be able to know. I let him know that Rachel and I had never spoken excessively about him, and I wasn't sure what was on her heart.  


     I noticed Rachel and Sam spending more and more time together over the last few days, and jealousy was filling my heart with a repugnant feeling. 

"Kailee, do you think if I made her jealous she'd confess her love?" Sam questioned.

"I have no idea Sam" but a sly smile appeared on my face with the thought of him making her jealous of me. But I repressed that thought away, hoping to never revisit it. 

"I have a friend, her name is Tania, I'm planning on telling Rachel that she and I are dating" he suggested his idea to me. I didn't want to give him consent to this, but neither did I refuse his proposal to doing so.


         And he did follow through with his plan, which unfortunately for Rachel, did not work out well. 

"Did you ever have feelings for him?" I questioned while I laid comfortably in the sinking softness of Rachel's bed.

"No, he was a good friend, that's it. I don't know what's wrong with him. He told me he was dating Tania, and when I didn't give much attention to it, he exploded out into anger, insisting that I loved him, and that I should have been mad about that" Rachel sniffled in frustration.

I felt like stretching out my hands and wrapping them around Rachel's neck to strangle her. How easily she had broken his heart? Did she not care about him? I was a little angry, but I spoke to her acting as if I didn't feel anything about the situation. 

I spent the next few weeks with Sam, I had dedicated all of my time towards him, and I reminded him that no matter what others thought, I'd still be there for him. And I kept my words. 

There was something in my heart whacking the walls trying to release itself, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. But I knew he had just subdued a broken heart, and maybe he wouldn't be in the right emotional state for love. But I was wrong, as always.


           Sam seemed so excited while we were talking on the phone, he kept pleading me to meet him at the mall. I gave in to his pleads, and got myself ready.

"Kailee!" He embraced me. I was so busy speaking to him about my day that I had almost missed the gorgeous woman standing next to him. And when my eyes caught a glimpse of her, I suddenly quieted down.

"Kailee, this is Anne" 

For the next few days he spoke with me daily, and all he spoke about was how happy he was with Anne. I felt an dissonant envy in the depths of my heart, but I tried to keep it dormant, he was happy, what more could I ask for? 

           The morning sun was invigorating, my eyes were awoken by its brightness. I noticed a message blinking my phone, it was from work, a colleague asking for a few hours of help. Having nothing else to do, I replied with a yes.

Having almost lost my keys for the millionth time I felt a stress pour over me, but as usual my smiling mother greeted me with a big smile and a set of dangling keys. 

"Thanks mom, I love you" I snatched the keys in a rush, and flung myself through the door, landing into my car. 

"Kailee! Thanks so much for coming" the expression on my co-worker's face elated me right away. As we ruminated through her project for hours, a scorching hunger began to fill inside us. We finished the presentation, and walked to the closest fast-food restaurant.  

"I'll have combo 5 please!" I asked politely to the cashier, she tapped in the order on the screen. I then stood patiently at the side. The wait was longer than usual, I peered into the back of the restaurant, trying to imagine the commotion happening back there. They seemed to be short a person or two, piling the other people with stress. So as a good commiserating person, I decided not to complain about the wait. Instead I circled my eyes through the restaurant.

I was shocked to see her. She was with a familiar man, which I expected would be Sam, but he was not. Anne was sitting tightly next to an unknown man, or possibly known, I just couldn't find the right name to this face. Was she cheating on Sam? As I continued to gawk rudely at them I was utterly devastated to see their lips meet together. Sam is going to be so hurt.

"Excuse me ma'am, your meal is ready" in the thought of Anne cheating on Sam, I had almost forgotten where I was, and why I was there.

"Oh, thank you!" I tried to answer with manners while I was still focused on the two people making out near me.

"Kailee? You okay? Let's sit down?" I heard a faint voice from behind me. I turned around to face my colleague. We both searched around the restaurant for the nearest empty seats, which were next to Anne.

"Should we just take the food back to the office?" I asked hoping to hear a yes.

"Sure Kailee." We then both sauntered the busy streets. While crossing the road I couldn't get the image out of my mind. Sam, sam..Will he be okay?.

After settling down to my normal self, I finished my meal and got ready to head back home.


          As I fell into the softness of my bed I considered my options, and thought it would be the best to tell Sam. So I jerked off my bed and started rummaging through my drawers to find my phone. Here it is!

"Hey!" I exclaimed trying to sound ecstatic.

"Hey Kailee..." his voice sounded so dull, the exuberance that was once in it seemed to have faded out.

"Are you okay?"

"I figured out Anne is cheating on me" his faded voice soon turned into a faint sobbing. I spoke with him for hours and hours that night. He seemed to be utterly broken, it started to hurt me too.

          After what had seemed like months Sam got himself into another relationship, my love was still not confessed at this point.

We began to fight over small things, small things which then became bigger. Things weren't the same, we couldn't speak for hours and hours anymore. The way he felt about me could no longer not match the way I loved him. I felt deprived of the love I needed. So I backed away. 

But after some time I began to miss him, and I knew I couldn't let him go. I once again brought myself near him. We began to speak again everyday, and the quietness soon faded between us. But often times Sam felt like I was getting too close to him, he had a girlfriend, and I knew I should have stayed away. So I made a decision that day.

I decided that instead of grieving over my broken heart, I would tell him how I felt. I knew that he wouldn't feel the same, but that somehow lifted a burden from my heart, my pain was alleviated, and I learnt how to live again.

Sometimes love doesn't work out for us, sometimes the person that we love won't feel the same for us, but I told Sam all of that, and I thanked him, not for breaking my heart, but for teaching me some beautiful lessons in life. I will always appreciate him for being such a close and understanding friend.

Then one night, we spoke again.

"Thanks for still speaking to me Sam, I'm glad you understand" I smiled in gratitude.

"You're welcome, it's my pleasure really! I'd never lose a friend like you" I felt great to hear that.

"Same here Sam"

"Kailee, you know what?"

"Yeah, tell me?"

"I love you" I ambled out of the room with a smile lashed across my face, my arms were shaking, and a tear trickled down my face. But the tear didn't elude my eye from pain, but from a surprising epiphany of laughter, of happiness. You love me Sam, but not in the way I love you. But that's the beauty of the world isn't it? Sometimes we are fooled by our own emotions. We aren't taught how to love, but sometimes we are given angels to teach us a thing or two about love. I'll always love you.

The Unknown

The clock strikes 3am, and as every other night a cacophony of fear begins to stream through the night. The mournful cries, the agonizing screams, and the silent eerie whimpers of a cat are heard.

As a cool, caressing shot of cold air wraps around me, I gasp, and a tingling sensation is sent through my backbone. The turmoil and the constant fear lurking during these nights leaves me feeling pity for myself.

I could run, far away, and try to become unreachable, but the sounds would find me. As I said, I can run, but I can't hide. For the sounds are living in this house, the same place as I.


The morning's light engulfed the room, and flooded it with brightness. My apartment is like any other, nothing extraordinary. The classic white-painted walls, now a little pale and dirty. Furniture aligned into a square-like structure in the center of the room, and a set of velvety- beige curtains draped over the glass windows..

I sauntered myself over to the kitchen table, where my coffee desperately awaited me. As I took a seat, and stretched out my fingers to reach the cup, the phone rang.


"Hello" I quickly murmur.

"Carly?" the voice questions. Already knowing the answer the mysterious man begins to chuckle.

"Umm..yes, it's Carly...Who is this" I answer feeling a little bit scared..

"Be care-f-u-lllll" the mysterious man chuckles.. I quickly throw the phone to the ground, and brace myself. Most people would feel raged at a call like this considering it a joke. But I know, the mysterious chuckling man said some words of truth. I do need to be careful...


The sun fell, and the moon slowly peeks over the horizon. The night has begun, and the darkness prevails. My shut my eyes down, knowing that they`ll be awakened once again by the sounds of this night. But it wasn't the cries that woke me up tonight.


"Hul-ll-ooo?" I reply with fright.

"Ahhh..Carly, it's you..." The mysterious man murmurs.

"Y--eah"....  The line suddenly cut. My hands trembling, my heart racing even faster than ever. And it wasn't a power cut, the man on the other side of the phone had hung up on me. What should I do? But, just when I take a moment to think, the sounds begin.

"A-h-h-h" the crying, the whispers, the cat's eerie footsteps pounding the wooden floors of my apartment. I decide to race down the stairs, with the hope of venturing away in my car. But it's of no use. The car now merely a distant shadow drowned in the night's darkness, its keys misplaced.

There's this strange essence swiveling in the air, hinting me to run upstairs, and be forever veiled under my blankets. But I don't move. I  continue to fearfully amble through the corners of my house trying to trace the source of the sounds.


Bamm.. Bamm

Someone's at the door...  And the knocks are bawling louder and louder with each collision at the wooden door. My heart begins to race, faster than my breath can keep up. Each part of me is smothered in fear, but there still stands a little hope. Who's behind that door? Will it be danger or will it be help? As I ruminate over my two options, my brain spirals down into a quagmire of confusion. I soon realize that, whatever it may be, it's now my duty to open the door...

I stretch my trembling arm towards the door knob. As the doorknob is twisted, a fatal tingle is shot through my back, but I carry on, and pull open the door...

"Carly... It's you..." The man chuckles... He smiles..

From Behind The Bars

From Behind the Bars


As she lifelessly fell to the ground, he was frightened. His trembling hands loosened his tight, sweaty grip, and the blood-smothered knife stumbled down to the paved road. It was a horrendous sight, her bleeding body pressed against the rough, cement ground in agony. And all that he could hear were the shrieking sirens, and the flashing lights, heading towards him.


Her sweet melodious voice, like a bird mesmerised me.  Her angelic eyes begged for my attention as they sparkled with luster. And her fine curved silhouette had forcefully reeled my heart into her unreliable and unworthy hands.

Her luscious, plumped pink lips met mine, and her shadow elegantly danced with me in my pleasant dreams. But, it’s true, she lived only in my dreams, and nowhere beyond.

Alisha had been dating that devious devil for an entire year. Had he loved her at all? Probably not! And neither did he deserve her. But blinded by his endless wealth and dazzling stance, she had fallen for him. Yes, she had fallen. And as my keen eyes told me, she was only going to be falling deeper and deeper, till one day, she wouldn’t be able to get herself back up.

I often wonder why she loved him, and not me. What did I lack? Of course, it’s the money! After all, isn’t that what really matters to women? At times, I pitied my foolish heart, and pondered how I became utterly infatuated with that lustful, greedy beauty. My naïve mind should have known, a vivacious woman like Alisha would only love a handsome, rich guy like Aiden.

Alisha was never mine. But now, both Aiden and I had lost her, forever.

That was the bittersweet tale of my love, where my sweet, innocent heart was willingly handing itself over into the hands of a bitter angel.

This heartbreaking love story of mine was short, but immense in emotion. Without a doubt I can now say, it was all a big mistake. It has led me to this point in my life where I’m isolated from the few that loved me, and tormented by regret, and guilt. And, oh, did I forget to mention the silent hate that lurks for me in Aiden’s mind?

I’d rather be reminiscing right now, but there are no enjoyable memories from my unfortunate past, and neither does my future look very promising… So I expectantly gaze around this dusty, empty room of mine, but as expected, I saw nothing other than those bars. Those grey, metallic bars locking me into this room, which most prefer to call jail.


Like the usual mornings of the past few months, this one was filled with isolation. I often sigh, when I hear the word isolation. My heart aches, and cries as it hears this word, now that this Isolation has become my only, reliable friend. Reliable, but silent, is there even the use of such a friend? For me, yes, isolation is truly valuable, without it, I’m alone.

We stand side by side
The only two 
Who understand one another

We share a dream
To let these suppressed thoughts
And allow these words to gleam

You’re not a desired paradise
Yet my only vacation
A vacation,
From myself, to some other

I have one friend,
Which is you
For me, there is one truth
I’m not alone
Nor will I be
‘Cause ‘till the end
With me, you will be

My only friend, indeed
No longer a word,
But a world,
A greed
Someone that I need

Without you
I stand alone

Before this beautiful relation with Isolation, I was not confined in this area behind the bars. I wasn’t given a room to myself. Not until they blatantly labelled me as “too violent and aggressive to be held in prison with another inmate”.

My inmates were similar to me, torn up in some way, misguided into a foolish decision. But what had provoked me to ruthlessly strangle one of my inmates? Was it his resemblance to Aiden? The tall, handsome dashing man who stole my Alisha’s heart? Indeed, it was.

The weary, pale-skinned face of Ryan resembled Aiden in every way possible. His structure, his physique was coincidentally matching to Aiden as well. Each glimpse of Ryan’s face tormented me.

The anxiety was building up, and strengthening into a hateful aggression. My behaviour towards Ryan was worsening by the day. I could see Alisha in his arms, away from me… But it was when he asked me how I’d ended up in this jail that I became raged, and no longer able to control the heating pressure inside of me. My hands suddenly jerked up and grabbed his soft, scaly neck.

Since that day, I’ve been awarded my own jail cell, which I prefer to call my room.


Alisha was always a distant dream, never in the near grasp. And neither did I expect her to be. I adored her beauty at a distance. I guess I could say that I had quite an addictive personality, solely her silhouette against the beach, on the radiant day had caught my attention. Since then, I’ve been addicted. I would follow her wherever she went, only to stare at her perfectly proportional features. The eyes were certainly the boldest, most striking part of her; they abundantly sparkled, as if they were asking for my attention.

Those eyes,
Sparkle and dazzle

Each time
I fall
They catch me

Oh lady
What spell have you casted
On me

Your eyes
Dance through me
They’re all that I see
An addiction, it must be

Please, my mistress
Don’t shut out those eyes
Not for a second
My heart will skip a beat

The brown-eyed beauty never had known me, but still for me, there was a certain depth in this relation. Was this even a relation? Probably not, in fact, she was entirely oblivious to my existence


Your every tear
Feels like an ocean
Flowing out my eyes

Your ache, your pain
Stabs me like a sharp knife
Taking my life

My solitude and addiction had led to this deep emotional attachment with Alisha. Aiden and her fought a lot, and when she finally succumbed to his greed, it struck me strongly as well.  It was then, when my heart ignited a new feeling towards her. It was anger. I always felt as if she was making the wrong decision being with Aiden, after all, what was he? Whenever the two fought, and she was proved wrong, I feel agitated, and raged at her.

Slowly this anger, built up within me. I was blinded by my selfishness; I thought Alisha would want the same as me, to be far away from Aiden. But I was wrong. She was happy with him, only sparking more pressure to my anger. I wanted her to be far away from that man, but I never had mustered the courage to confront him. And as I saw it, Alisha couldn’t muster up the courage to separate herself from that man, and come running to me.

So there it was, my conclusion. I decided to take the big, bold step on behalf of Alisha, and free her from what my eyes had disguised as her pain.

You’re stuck,
Frozen in time

Your pain is torturous
Let me free you
Cut the string
And let you go

Fly away
I’d rather see you
Then see you 
Live with
Such a pain


The morning was bright, lustrous, and beautiful. The birds were melodiously humming their graceful tunes, and the sky was clear. An illusion, it seemed, for by the night the clear skies, and radiant sun had succumbed to the darkness of the cold and rainy night.

That night, my auburn, fluffed hair was drenched in the cloud’s tears, and my freckled skinned face drenched in my own.  Tonight was the night, I’d free Alisha from her angst, or more so, my anger.

As usual, she was looking like an angel flying directly out of heaven. The sparkly eyes, the dark, velvety-smooth hair, and the beautiful eye-catching smile, were making me reconsider my decision. But my mind was set out, and I intended on following my plan. After all, it was for both me and Alisha.

My hands began to diligently tremble, and struggle to keep grasp on the sharp, silver knife. But my persistent mind was ready, and demanded my unwilling feet to approach the soft-skinned Angel.

As she first saw me, the rains were falling hard against the paved road. With each drop of rain, she gasped. She looked awfully terrified, of me. With my eyes, I tried to make it clear that I was freeing her from her trouble, but her eyes didn’t get the message. She was frightened, and nearly shrieked after seeing the sharp bladed knife in my scrawny hands.

Her fright was let loose, as my hand jerked up, straight towards her chest. Her beautiful lips shrieked, pleading for mercy. But she was oblivious to the fact that I was her only help. The knife had made it through the frightened young girl’s chest, and back out.

I stared at her for quite some time, in remorse. The people nearby immediately reached into their purses, pockets, and made the emergency call, and then there was me standing idly, observing her beautiful silhouette as it began to fall to the ground.

As she lifelessly fell to the ground, I became frightened. My trembling hands loosened my sweaty grip, and the blood-smothered knife stumbled down to the paved road. It was a horrendous sight, her bleeding body pressed against the rough, cement ground in agony. And all that I was able to hear were the shrieking sirens, and the flashing lights, heading towards me.

From that day onwards, jail had become my new home.


Today morning again was spent with myself only, and I somehow admire the confinement.  I began to quietly hum an old tune that I had suddenly remembered. As I was silently singing, a tiny glimpse of sunlight peered into a crack from the left wall. It had been a while since I last saw the invigorating sunlight, I certainly did miss it.

I suddenly heard a knock, and glanced up towards the door. A fine, curved lady in a pink dress, covered by a white cloth walked in and approached me. In her hands were my medicines. Slowly she began assorting the pills, and pouring some water into a cup for me.

In the near distance from the door, I heard Aiden, speaking to another man.

“So, how is Robert doing Doc?” the unknown man questioned.

“He’s improving. He’s still a threat to the other patients, he tends to become  aggressive once in a while. Unfortunately still hallucinating, and seeing Alisha” the Doctor disappointingly replied.

“Well, that’s unfortunate. I hope he gets well soon.” The stranger murmured.

“He certainly will!” Dr. Aiden stated confidently.

I often wonder about what the doctors call hallucinations. There was no way I could be hallucinating. It was all just too real. That stormy, cold night, my dazzling Alisha, and the ruthless murder, the nurse often explained to me that I was no murderer, and neither was I behind the bars.