Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Learning Love

         As I rummaged through my closet, my energy was slowly fading out. Should I wear the pink dress or the black one? I continually tried to picture what tonight's party might look like, it was Rachel's birthday, which definitely meant I had to dress well. Rachel was well known for her undeniably trendy sense of fashion, which meant I had to make an effort today. The pink is flattering, but I don't want to stand out in the crowd. I elongated my shivering arms into my closet and pulled out a simple black dress. I didn't want to wear anything bright that would unnecessarily steer people's eyes towards me.

 My eyes circled the room, capturing a photo of each corner of the room as I searched for my misplaced keys. No matter how much I tried, I somehow always managed to lose my keys. As my eyes flew past the mirror I took the opportunity to check how I looked. The tight black wrapped around my waist in a soft-motherly way.  I wasn't dressed to the best of my ability, but I was satisfied. Why am I looking at myself? Where are the keys?

"Kailee! Looking for something honey?" a sweet voice murmured. I took a look upwards and saw my restless mother waving my keys arbitrarily in the air, making a little jingle with each turn.

"Oh thank goodness! Thanks so much mom!" I quickly reached out for the keys, and scuttled around the room making sure I hadn't forgotten a thing.

"Bye mom!"

"Bye Kailee, have a good time!" I gave her a smile and took a step onto the rain-soaked pavement. My lonely car seemed to somehow brighten up against the setting sun.

After a few abrupt movements, I found my hands against the wheel of my car.

It had been quite a while since I had last spoken to Rachel, and now that I ponder upon our past conversations, I've never talked much with her. Rachel was the kind of girl who without a breath talked continually, not giving others a chance. But somehow we had nominally become friends.

The rain was whipping the glass of my car harder and harder by the second.

I pulled myself into the driveway and took a step out. Trying to protect my dress, I hurriedly skipped myself towards the door which was already open for me, a smiling face awaited me.

"Kailee!!! I'm so glad you could make it" Rachel pulled me into her arms, and embraced me so tightly that I felt out of breath.

"Aww, of course I'd come! Happy Birthday Rachel!" and with a few more words we made our way into the her well-decorated house.

The room was full of a countless number of faces, many looking familiar. But I couldn't seem to find any names to match these faces. I smiled to all those around me, hoping to conceal the fact that I had lost their names somewhere in the back of my mind.

I suddenly felt a hand grab my arm.

"Kailee! Come here!" Rachel squeaked.

"Yes, sure!" she pulled me towards one of her friends, Sam, I had originally met him before Rachel had, but never had the chance to familiarize myself with him.

"Hey Sam, nice to see you again" I forced my body in towards his, trying to act comfortable with him. I was looking forward to hearing him speak. His voice had something magical about it, I loved listening to him speak.

"Kailee, nice to see you too!" Rachel glided away greeting the guests still entering.

Hours had gone by, and I had not even realized, neither did Sam. We spoke for at least 5 hours about various topics, never encountering any form of awkwardness between us. When after what seemed like hours Rachel came back to us. A smile was stretched across her face, she was glad that Sam and I had met. I knew the party would soon end, but I had no interest to leave. He's so kind, I wish we could talk the rest of the night.

Rachel once again snatched my body into a secluded corner of  the crowded room.

"So what do you think of him? " she winked at me. I felt my cheeks brightening to a more vivid colour. Did I really make it that obvious? Now she sees that I'm interested in him?. But I took a breath in slowly, hoping to veil the redness of my cheeks.

"He's a great guy, seems really smart as well"

"I know right Kailee! I think he's adorable" all of a sudden all the exuberance in me abruptly faded out realizing she too had a bit of a crush on him.

The party came to a halt, and I swept myself out of the room, trying to pretend none of that had ever happened.


       The next morning I was awakened by the whistling notification on my phone, but I chose not to read the message, I wilted myself into the cave of my blanket. 

When I finally had the energy to lift myself from bed, I took a look at my phone, I was surprised!

"Morning Kailee!" It was Sam. Maybe it wasn't all over, a sudden hope was brimming in my heart.

After a bit of a conversation through text messaging we decided to meet up at a nearby coffee shop. 

      I put myself together, and stepped out of the door. I love this pink dress on me, it's so flattering. I waited patiently at a corner table in the Starbucks while I occasionally took a short, hot sip of my mocha. Finally. I saw him foolishly stumble into the room looking around for me, I abruptly stood up.

"Over here Sam!" his eyes sparkled with some sort of satisfaction, but I wondered if he was happy in the same way I was.

"Kailee, I have so much to tell you" he said in his comforting voice. 


"Firstly you look lovely today...." He took a pause, as if trying to accumulate some air for a longer sentence to come. "Rachel... I think I'm beginning to fall for her... but um. do you think she'll like me back?" my jaw dropped, and I noticed his facial expression change as well.

"You seem in denial, your jaw dropping is certainly not a good sign" he whispered in remorse.

"No, no Sam, there's nothing like that. I was just in shock" I then assured him that only if he expresses his feelings to her he would be able to know. I let him know that Rachel and I had never spoken excessively about him, and I wasn't sure what was on her heart.  


     I noticed Rachel and Sam spending more and more time together over the last few days, and jealousy was filling my heart with a repugnant feeling. 

"Kailee, do you think if I made her jealous she'd confess her love?" Sam questioned.

"I have no idea Sam" but a sly smile appeared on my face with the thought of him making her jealous of me. But I repressed that thought away, hoping to never revisit it. 

"I have a friend, her name is Tania, I'm planning on telling Rachel that she and I are dating" he suggested his idea to me. I didn't want to give him consent to this, but neither did I refuse his proposal to doing so.


         And he did follow through with his plan, which unfortunately for Rachel, did not work out well. 

"Did you ever have feelings for him?" I questioned while I laid comfortably in the sinking softness of Rachel's bed.

"No, he was a good friend, that's it. I don't know what's wrong with him. He told me he was dating Tania, and when I didn't give much attention to it, he exploded out into anger, insisting that I loved him, and that I should have been mad about that" Rachel sniffled in frustration.

I felt like stretching out my hands and wrapping them around Rachel's neck to strangle her. How easily she had broken his heart? Did she not care about him? I was a little angry, but I spoke to her acting as if I didn't feel anything about the situation. 

I spent the next few weeks with Sam, I had dedicated all of my time towards him, and I reminded him that no matter what others thought, I'd still be there for him. And I kept my words. 

There was something in my heart whacking the walls trying to release itself, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. But I knew he had just subdued a broken heart, and maybe he wouldn't be in the right emotional state for love. But I was wrong, as always.


           Sam seemed so excited while we were talking on the phone, he kept pleading me to meet him at the mall. I gave in to his pleads, and got myself ready.

"Kailee!" He embraced me. I was so busy speaking to him about my day that I had almost missed the gorgeous woman standing next to him. And when my eyes caught a glimpse of her, I suddenly quieted down.

"Kailee, this is Anne" 

For the next few days he spoke with me daily, and all he spoke about was how happy he was with Anne. I felt an dissonant envy in the depths of my heart, but I tried to keep it dormant, he was happy, what more could I ask for? 

           The morning sun was invigorating, my eyes were awoken by its brightness. I noticed a message blinking my phone, it was from work, a colleague asking for a few hours of help. Having nothing else to do, I replied with a yes.

Having almost lost my keys for the millionth time I felt a stress pour over me, but as usual my smiling mother greeted me with a big smile and a set of dangling keys. 

"Thanks mom, I love you" I snatched the keys in a rush, and flung myself through the door, landing into my car. 

"Kailee! Thanks so much for coming" the expression on my co-worker's face elated me right away. As we ruminated through her project for hours, a scorching hunger began to fill inside us. We finished the presentation, and walked to the closest fast-food restaurant.  

"I'll have combo 5 please!" I asked politely to the cashier, she tapped in the order on the screen. I then stood patiently at the side. The wait was longer than usual, I peered into the back of the restaurant, trying to imagine the commotion happening back there. They seemed to be short a person or two, piling the other people with stress. So as a good commiserating person, I decided not to complain about the wait. Instead I circled my eyes through the restaurant.

I was shocked to see her. She was with a familiar man, which I expected would be Sam, but he was not. Anne was sitting tightly next to an unknown man, or possibly known, I just couldn't find the right name to this face. Was she cheating on Sam? As I continued to gawk rudely at them I was utterly devastated to see their lips meet together. Sam is going to be so hurt.

"Excuse me ma'am, your meal is ready" in the thought of Anne cheating on Sam, I had almost forgotten where I was, and why I was there.

"Oh, thank you!" I tried to answer with manners while I was still focused on the two people making out near me.

"Kailee? You okay? Let's sit down?" I heard a faint voice from behind me. I turned around to face my colleague. We both searched around the restaurant for the nearest empty seats, which were next to Anne.

"Should we just take the food back to the office?" I asked hoping to hear a yes.

"Sure Kailee." We then both sauntered the busy streets. While crossing the road I couldn't get the image out of my mind. Sam, sam..Will he be okay?.

After settling down to my normal self, I finished my meal and got ready to head back home.


          As I fell into the softness of my bed I considered my options, and thought it would be the best to tell Sam. So I jerked off my bed and started rummaging through my drawers to find my phone. Here it is!

"Hey!" I exclaimed trying to sound ecstatic.

"Hey Kailee..." his voice sounded so dull, the exuberance that was once in it seemed to have faded out.

"Are you okay?"

"I figured out Anne is cheating on me" his faded voice soon turned into a faint sobbing. I spoke with him for hours and hours that night. He seemed to be utterly broken, it started to hurt me too.

          After what had seemed like months Sam got himself into another relationship, my love was still not confessed at this point.

We began to fight over small things, small things which then became bigger. Things weren't the same, we couldn't speak for hours and hours anymore. The way he felt about me could no longer not match the way I loved him. I felt deprived of the love I needed. So I backed away. 

But after some time I began to miss him, and I knew I couldn't let him go. I once again brought myself near him. We began to speak again everyday, and the quietness soon faded between us. But often times Sam felt like I was getting too close to him, he had a girlfriend, and I knew I should have stayed away. So I made a decision that day.

I decided that instead of grieving over my broken heart, I would tell him how I felt. I knew that he wouldn't feel the same, but that somehow lifted a burden from my heart, my pain was alleviated, and I learnt how to live again.

Sometimes love doesn't work out for us, sometimes the person that we love won't feel the same for us, but I told Sam all of that, and I thanked him, not for breaking my heart, but for teaching me some beautiful lessons in life. I will always appreciate him for being such a close and understanding friend.

Then one night, we spoke again.

"Thanks for still speaking to me Sam, I'm glad you understand" I smiled in gratitude.

"You're welcome, it's my pleasure really! I'd never lose a friend like you" I felt great to hear that.

"Same here Sam"

"Kailee, you know what?"

"Yeah, tell me?"

"I love you" I ambled out of the room with a smile lashed across my face, my arms were shaking, and a tear trickled down my face. But the tear didn't elude my eye from pain, but from a surprising epiphany of laughter, of happiness. You love me Sam, but not in the way I love you. But that's the beauty of the world isn't it? Sometimes we are fooled by our own emotions. We aren't taught how to love, but sometimes we are given angels to teach us a thing or two about love. I'll always love you.

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